Let’s Talk Stress

Accepting. Understanding. Overcoming.

PART I

If 2020 has taught us nothing else, it has taught us to survive a battle. As I sit on this Sunday evening, February 18, 2024, I reflect on my life and all the accomplishments and failures that I’ve experienced, and an immense sense of gratitude warms my mind. But I cannot comprehensively reflect without acknowledging one of the key players who has helped to bring me to where I am today. For this blog post, I’m introducing a new voice onto the platform ─ a mother, a sister, a leader, a voice, and a champion for slaying dragons, Petre Williams – Raynor. As an author herself, my sister Petre has inspired me for many years to be creative and fearlessly myself and was the best woman for helping our mother to raise a boy child, in a world where that can be the most difficult task to do for parents.

HELLO my Monastery, I know I haven’t checked in for a LONG while, but this post signifies the beginning of a new journey together. Life has been tough, but I’ve always remembered you through it, and I have some greats news for the future. Today, we’re going to be sibling-chatting about stress management ─ how it impacts our everyday lives, and how my sister and I have been managing it in ours.

Hi Monastery family. I am at once happy and grateful for the opportunity to share this space with one of the best men I know: one of my well-loved brothers, friend and now writing partner, Matthew. Matthew and I have talked for a long time about creating and sustaining spaces where creative minds meet, connect and do the work we so love to do: touch someone else through our creative processes or creations while also, importantly, coming to terms with some deeper part of ourselves. This is just such a space and I relish in it. I hasten to add that Matthew has been as much an inspiration for me as I have been for him. It continues to fascinate me how quickly he grew up and how well he grew up; kudos to our well-loved mama, a woman, Paulette, who possesses her own brand of ‘magic’, of grace, of every good thing and who is the eternal wind beneath our wings. It goes without saying then that I welcome the opportunity to tackle, in this our first joint endeavour, navigating stress. Life, after all, can have so much of it – no matter the wonderful support system you have or how well-grown you are. Let’s talk.

I think what makes us similar, as humans, is how intricate our minds are built to tackle stress. For example, I had been preparing all my life academically, to get into medical school. This for me was the heights of real stress ─ insane pressure in 2017, but nothing, absolutely nothing compared to what I went on to experience in medical school. Looking back, I made that journey by myself and it’s so interesting to know I coached myself through it all: academics, finding myself in adolescence, fighting financial constraints with my mother, and actively navigating a complex, and often unsafe Jamaican society. I think these different levels of progressively worsening stress fortified me to become mentally stronger, but there were also several moments of falling into the abyss; of hitting rock bottom, as I would’ve later outlined in my series of poetry books “Metamorphosis”. Fortunately, I had a good support ─ our mother and you, Petre, were the substrate for me to take root. You guys did an immaculate job at being the best role models. I think we can say then that, stress may have some positive impact by making us stronger, would you agree?

I do Matt. Much is said and often about becoming the best version of ourselves while the debate over what it takes to get there persists. Getting there, I have it on good authority — my own — is more than about accessing opportunity structures. It is also about coming out on the other side of hardship and being able to talk about it. Hardship does help to get you there. I am a breast cancer survivor and honestly, while I would happily have opted out of that experience, I know that I am a better version of myself because of it. If nothing else, and there is much else, the fact that ‘though I may be in pain does not mean I should be a pain’ has stayed with me, grown on me from that experience. That one lesson, reflected in the quote from Maya Angelou, is a tell; it tells of the better version of me that is now. Also essential is support. My husband, you, mommy, daddy, our family have been the soles in my shoes, helping me to scale every hurdle, survive every stressor, and to grow into the best version of myself. So, what is the takeaway? Be fearless in the face of hardship and stress; they help to build character, but only if you allow it.

Great quotes, Petre. I think their meanings are quite clear. But on the other hand, and much to our chagrin, is the pain, as you mentioned that we also must bear when we go through these hardships. I was formally diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder in 2021. This is after years and years of knowing something just didn’t feel right, but never actually seeking help investigate it. I knew my nervousness wasn’t normal. I couldn’t compare it to anyone else’s, but it just didn’t feel normal. I also knew my intermittent bouts of sadness, need for isolation and overall lack of interest in life were definitely not normal. And it’s funny how I was studying to enter a profession where taking care of your mental health has been heavily advocated for in recent years. This chronic, mental stress was affecting my grades, my relationships with family and friends, and my relationship with my body. To this day, I still cannot recall a moment I’ve looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. Breast cancer though, I mean, I can just imagine how that must’ve torn your life apart piece by piece every day. And, I think your book, “I Am Not My Breasts”, outlines that journey beautifully. It was clearly some of your darkest hours. I’d like you to summarize some of the physical and mental changes that your body and your mind went through.

Breast cancer is hard. The diagnosis is hard, the treatment is hard, the recovery is hard. I am not a vain person, well, on most days [LOL]. However, when my eyebrows and eyelashes went during chemo, together with some of my nails, well, my ‘vanity’ reared its head and the experience threatened to overwhelm me. Of course, it was more than the lost eyebrows and seemingly long-ago lashes, it was also being bombarded by unrelenting thoughts about my morbidity and mortality. I mean, it’s one thing to know you will die eventually but quite another having to face, up close, personal and every day, the reality of illness and the prospect of death. It is a long, rocky, debris-filled road. Lucky for me, I have been running the Ministry of Health & Wellness’ mental health campaigns for a few years now and so I relied on some of the lessons learnt, adopting, for example, loads of positive self-talk and journalling in order to cope. It helped that I had a husband I could lean on; a husband who reminded me that I am beautiful, eyebrow-less and all while you all, my family, provided the needed inspiration to beat cancer, to survive, to live. The fact is, there is ‘no shame in our game’. Most people will have mental health challenges at some point or other in their lives. What is important is that we adopt tools to help us, that we learn about and access the available resources, that we find our safe spaces and safe persons that help us to overcome. You did it Matthew. I did it. And others can too.

I think you covered the power of support very well. I want to highlight your point on finding/adopting ways to cope, though. For me, it was writing, which still is so therapeutic. I’ve been through a few counsellors who didn’t really last long. I’ve also been through a few medications. Having a background in medicine, I know Psychiatry in particular is a trial-and-error game most times, because of the abstract nature of the specialization. The process can be daunting ─ the side effects, the loss of hope after milking solution after solution, that continue to fail. I must also point out that my mental struggles didn’t stop when I graduated medical school. And, to add to your point that most people will have mental health challenges at some point, these challenges may also seem to get bigger and stronger after their onset. My internship year was probably the worst year of my entire life, and I’m still living in the wreckage of it now, in my second year as a physician. Let’s call it the hangover effect of major stressors/stressful experiences. Are you having any hangover effects post your cancer journey?

Most definitely. Surviving cancer is great, welcomed, celebrated. It is also work, all hands on deck kind of work as you muster your resources to live and to do so in wellness. Like you, writing is my salvation. Getting it out of my head and on to paper or on to my computer is a requirement. It is the reason I wrote the book, I am Not My Breasts, and why I am now working on another, even as I continue to journal. I also make it a habit to share my story with others in hopes that they can derive some benefit from my experience. It’s my way of doing my share. Quick side bar, the current mental health campaign of the Ministry of Health & Wellness is called #DoYourShare. So, what am I saying? It’s good for your mental wellness to at least make the effort to help others. Also, your mental wellness is not sustained by adopting a ‘one and done’ approach. You have to, I have to do the work daily. It begins with a ‘wellness check-in’ with self. How am I doing today? What do I need? How can I get what I need to nurture my wellness? Where is my safe space? Who is my safe person? These are all important questions to ask yourself as part of that self-check. And then it’s necessary to be truthful in our responses and to demonstrate commitment in pursuing and receiving the help we need, if we determine that we need help. And yes, it may mean going through a few different therapists; having a few failure-to-launch moments with the writing or having to find a new or different safe space. The point is to assess and then to act in your best interest, all the while recognizing and accepting that it is ok not to be ok, but not ok to stay there.

Petre Williams-Raynor: Communications Strategist | Fixer | Writer | Educator | Advocate | Collaborator. Find me on Instagram & X @willieraynor.